Tuesday, January 18, 2011

GIRLS!! To do the dishes, to clean up my room, to do the laundry and in the bathroom!!!

Please forgive my title, they are lyrics from a classic Beastie Boys song entitled "Girls" and in no way, shape, or form am I trying to upset the feminists of the world. Anyway, the purpose of the title was just to convey how ridiculously all over the place girls can be!

I figured I would spend some time tonight discussing how there are hundreds of different types of girls out there... I will only discuss a handful of the types I have run into during this past year, each type has made a memorable impression on me that I may never forget... you will soon see  why! 

Sweet and Innocent-Doubtful!
First and foremost let us discuss my favorite type, the sweet and innocent ones. You know those girls who at first glance you never think would do anything crazy and are always extremely nice, total "good" girls. Yeah... turns out looks can be deceiving! I know this one girl, goes to church every weekend (probably during the week too), totally thought she would be kinda quiet and reserved... MY ASS!!! The girl dances like she is auditioning to be in one of DMX's next music videos... stripper pole and all! So whatever, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, you know thinking maybe the alcohol got the best of her that night or something... NEWSFLASH, not a fluke, I can only imagine what went down on those church retreats!

Impress Grandma-Hell No!
Next, we have those girls who you think are really serious, prim and proper. Yea, you know the Queen Elizabeth's of the world who you think would always respond with sir or madam and never show any disrespect. Turns out this one girl I thought that about, one night decides to pull out some of the most racist jokes I have ever heard! I mean not in a million years would I have expected those words to come out of her mouth, think of the most vulgar sailor/truck driver combination and yeah, that's this girl! I swear, she might even steal candy from a baby and then probably laugh about it... EVIL! 

No Such Thing as "Out of Your League"
Ohhh, this next type... gotta love 'em! They give us average guys plenty of hope in the world and PLENTY of reassurance that looks aren't everything! These are the girls who you think are out of your league and then all of a sudden stoop to below your level. Such a confidence booster when you see these girls out... I swear when I see them out I just want to hop on a plane, fly to LA and ask Sofia Vergara (She is Married to good ole Al Bundy on Modern Family) out to dinner. Anyway, yeah these girls sometimes blow your mind, no wonder guys are such slobs these days... GIRLS LIKE SLOBS! These are those girls who fall for guys who are so trashed they fall over and end up sitting at their table to regain their balance and in the meantime try to slur some ridiculous nonsensical statement out of their mouth. These same girls also find interrupting a conversation to turn to the left and hack a giant loogie at the brick wall literally 1 foot from their face while inside a restaurant attractive! If you think you have met one of these girls, try playing a game of "thumb wars" as your next pick-up line... you will probably succeed!

Circle of Friends- Literally ;)
The last type I will discuss tonight are those who "have a hard time venturing outside of the group" if you know what I mean. You know, those girls who feel very secure with one specific group of guy friends and wuddyaknow, one weekend they're cornering you on the dance floor the next weekend they are holding your good friend hostage! They just like you and your friends, NBD! Let's just say with these girls, its always good to be first... or else, well we wont go there... I will let you fill in your own blank!

If you fit into one of these categories, I commend you for you have made perhaps an everlasting impression with me and so I say, THANK YOU! :)

Sunday, November 21, 2010


Alright, so my boy Jeff who by the way is obsessed with  the word "Bro" and enjoys adding "-tastic" to the end of almost anything brought up a good point. He has all these absolutely ridiculous ideas for business ventures and well this blog is just about pure ridiculousness so why not talk about them here, maybe one of my readers is filthy rich and wouldn't mind backing him, hahaha yeah right!

Business Venture Idea #1: Raves and Waves 

Now I am sure you are all thinking water parks, "YAY! I just love those places. You know, where all the overweight un-tanned white people bring their families so they can bathe in chlorine pools and pee freely throughout the day..." That reminds me, do they really make that stuff that turns your pee purple if you pee in the pool?? I always wondered about that. Anyway, this is no family fun water park we are talking about here. This is the epically acclaimed, most absolutely ridiculous, water themed nightclub you could ever imagine! 

At Raves and Waves the dress code is swimsuits only... and yes the bouncer will turn you down if you are fugly. But more importantly the dancefloor is a WAVEPOOL!! Yes guys and gals, one of those huge mother f*in pools in which we artificially create 3-7 foot waves, except our wavepool will have an abomination of drunk people in it! Awesome right??? I know! The water will change various colors and we will have an awesome light spectacle going on above you. DJ Surftastic will be spinning the hottest jams and taking fistpumptastic requests all night long. 

*Swimmies will be available for purchase in case you cant swim and there will always be a trained Waves and Raves lifeguard on duty. If you try and pull some bullshit 'Sandlot' stunt on our lifeguards you will be fined $1000 and you will be permanently banned from the club.

Business Venture Idea #2: Bacardio

Bacardio, this one is for all you meatheads and yoga fanatics out there who can't go an entire day without hitting up the gym and/or rolling out your yoga mat. Bacardio is the upcoming new urban trend in which we combine all your health club and night club needs all in once place! We charge a $40 monthly membership fee and have a $5 surcharge on Friday/Saturday nights for all the bros. This modest fee will give you access to the latest and greatest gym/club combination you have ever been privileged to join. We are fully equipped with certified top of line trainers, who might I add are quite attractive, designated hurl stations for those of you who really like to push yourself to the limit, and lastly 3 different DRUNK YOGA sessions beginning at 12, 1, and 2am every Friday and Saturday night. If you prefer not to participate in our drunk yoga, we do have a modest seating area in which you can watch all of your drunk friends fall over themselves while trying to complete their "Praying Mantis" poses and the like. 

We also offer the latest and greatest gym equipment brought to you by the world renowned Layman-etics Gym Equipment Manufacturer. These machines come stocked with glowsticks, mini strobe lights, and a copy of the very brief "Fist Pumping for Dummies" book Authored by Layman-etics owner himself, Mr. J-Lay!     

*Sponsered by Barcardi Rum

Business Venture Idea #3: Ragin' Airways

We figure what hell, we have already gone this far so why stop now?! 

Book a fistpumptastic flight on the newest and funnest way to travel, Ragin' Airways! Here at Ragin' Air we bring the party to you, 40,000 feet above ground level! Our well never runs dry and our flight attendants are always ready to throw down! We only have one rule, no drinking and piloting allowed! 

Ragin' Air will be offering nonstop service from your nearest airport to wherever you'd like to go! We have the newest fleet of Gulfstream 650s (G-6 for short) complete with FULLY RECLINING seats, beer pong tables, state of the art sound system complete with 10 SUBWOOFERS, and for those special occasions, a stripper pole upon request!

We look forward to having you aboard Ragin' Airways, where flying is always rageriffic! 

 *Brought to you by Skyy

Just in case you would like to put a face to all these ridiculous ideas, check out my buddy Jeff... tryin to look fresh for his VC presentation(s) below! 

Ladies, he's single... and with ideas like the one's you've just read the possibilities could be endless!
... Think about it...

FYI, you all suck at leaving comments... I am thoroughly dissatisfied!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Im Rich... (Bitch!)

So I guess for some ridiculous reason the people who have read my first blog post think I am somewhat funny. I guess so, but seriously if you dont find a 23 year old peeing his bed funny, you obviously must live a very dark and lonely life... that shit is HYSTERICAL!

Anyway, next topic... this is for all my grad school compadres!

I have this professor who is absolutely INSANE!!! The guy is absolutely brilliant, his vocabulary is through the roof... I am willing to bet that instead of pulling out a copy of Sports Illustrated/Redbook (for you ladies) while dropping a deuce in one of his 8 bathrooms at home, he probably reaches for the latest edition of Websters! I try my best to follow him in class, but he always throws out so many intelligent words that I get lost and just decide to refrain from speaking until he goes on one of his many tangents.

The class is about how shitty the world is, no but seriously besides this guys hilarious outbursts and stories, which we will get to later, he never talks about anything positive! I mean I like to think of myself as a pretty happy-go-lucky human being but this guy consistently rains on my parade of optimism every damn Tuesday and Thursday. The weird part is, I am pretty sure most haters are usually people who have gotten shit on their whole life... yet this guy seems like he had a pretty good life, trust fund baby, smart, married, children. That's all I would need man, a boatload of money, some brains, a hot yet non-bitchy wife, and some non-delinquent children and I would be perfectly content! Hell who am I kidding, I will have that!

Nonetheless, he rambles on and on about all kinds of intelligent matter and then finally, he must see all the dumbfounded looks on all of our faces in class, he stoops to our level. This is when he lets us talk for about 2 minutes before he takes back over the conversation. Then we pity-patter back and forth until he eventually gets sick of whatever we are talking about and just goes... "I don't care, I'm RICH (long pause, as everyone waits for the infamous "Bitch" to follow yet never does... I know, disappointment but still ridiculous)!"

Meanwhile the guy has this monstrous grin on his face like "Ha Ha Ha, all these peasants, they know nothing!" Ehh, that probably took it a little too far, he really doesn't rub it in our face. Although, one time someone did ask him how big his castle was, his modest response.... "ohhh i dont know, 8,000 square feet." EIGHT THOUSAND square feet, WTF man... can we come over and play like hide and go seek, laser tag, or something! Jeez, share the wealth...  

As much as I would love to post a picture of this fine fellow I'd rather just do my best helping you paint a picture of what this guy looks like. For starters, he always rocks a blue shirt, always! I swear if Blue's Clues was around when he was a little kid, he woulda been mesmorized! Who am I kidding though, he probably wouldnt even have known how to turn the damn tv on... I am sure he had a maid for that though! Anyway moving on, he always comes to class with his little custom leather backpack... just think if Indiana Jones had a back pack instead of a man purse, thats exactly what this thing looks like. So you have this middle aged man with a blue shirt and an indiana jones backpack... now just throw some redish/blonde hair on his head and a pair of those auto-tinting biphocals and your golden! Actually you know what... I know someone that kinda looks like him...

Hahaha... why did this take me so long to make the connection??? This is epic, I am not going to lie!

Ohhh, one more thing... LEAVE SOME DAMN COMMENTS!!!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Wetting the Bed...

So I have this friend who shall remain nameless although, if you know me on a personal level you can probably figure out who I am talking about. Anyway, this bed wetter is quite the character!

For this kid, the drinking begins usually around the same time as a family would sit down and enjoy a nice wholesome dinner, 6PM. He casually starts with a couple of PBRs, yes that cheap shitty beer. I mean seriously if I could wipe my ass with a liquid, it'd be PBR! Nonetheless, after the PBR is gone he normally goes to the freezer and pulls out his pride and joy, and secret weapon, a nice ice cold bottle of Wild Turkey.

Then he heads out to the bar, usually trailing behind the rest of his sausage fest. For about the next 2 hours you can see him alternating between the bottle of PBR he purchased from the bar and the flask of whiskey he snuck in the door. Once his flask and wallet run dry you can usually find him searching the unbussed tables for any unfinished drinks, yes ladies and gentleman if there is any liquid left in that cup he WILL drink it!

Pending he doesn't find some random stranger to fight or a police officer to mouth off at he usually stumbles back to his place before sunrise.


He wakes up with no sheets on the bed and his girlfriend screaming his name in disgust. Why, you ask? Ohhh only because it was the 2nd weekend in a row he opted to just pee all over himself, his bed, and his girlfriend instead of standing up and walking the 10 feet necessary to reach the toilet.

For most people peeing the bed usually stops around the ages of 6 or 7. Unfortunately for this guy pictured below, peeing the bed is still a regular occurence at the age of 23.

 "The Bed Wetter"
 Whatsup Racoon Eyes!!!

Feel free to share your condolences for his gf below!